After a 77 day hiatus, I’m back.

Hi friend! How do you do? I’d always hoped that I’ll make a come back with a perfectly written piece on one of the many ideas that ran through my head on the days I didn’t show up here, but authenticity is one of the most fundamental parts of why I show up or write. Doing anything other than that or pretending to just go on will not precisely be authentic, now would it?

Two of my favourite newsletter writers had sent out e-mails earlier this week, exactly 45 minutes apart, with similar subjects- “Long time no see” & “I didn’t write to you last week,” and I took it as a sign. There was no need to come back all pristine like I never left. I have grown, and most importantly, I have learned.

Friend, I haven’t been here because I couldn’t be here. At first, it was a temporary block. If I had allotted more time to my brainstorming sessions, I would have found my way out. But it graduated from that to being overwhelmed with the number of tasks that demanded my time and effort. I had a job and school to show up to. I can do hard things, yes. I execute ideas even when fear’s loud voice tells me that I can’t, but I somehow didn’t have enough mental strength to go round. I could only focus on one thing, so I decided to take a break until the semester ended. Taking a break scared me because I never found my way back to certain things in the past, but I trusted myself this time. It paid off because I’m back, here, writing again from a place that I would consider to be the most wholesome I’ve been in a long while(and that’s a giant leap).

I completed my first semester exams in July, and I thought I’d jump right back in here, but I still couldn’t. I set deadlines, I planned it out. I put “write something” on almost every to-do list, but nothing close to willpower to do came through. I decided to stop trying. I was not at anything close to my average self and only found joy in community and friends. I really have the best people in my life, and it makes a difference every day. I learned to slow down. Of course, there was backtalk. My mind is rude sometimes. I thought I was nonchalant at some point. I was hard on myself. But my counter approach was always finding softness in others when I couldn’t create it for myself.

I had to allow time to do its job. I had to take each day as it came. I needed to find the strength to commit myself again. I chose to take all the time I needed to get here despite being in a system that doesn’t exactly wait for anyone. And I think I made the right choice.

I dug up an old journal to read through the hardest things I’ve done, and it was a reminder that it was never a question of my capability. I can do anything. But sometimes, even the most capable people need to embrace ease and soft-pedal on some days without counting it as a mark against themselves.

One thing that stuck with me throughout the process is that slower does not mean slacker or any other derogatory term. It’s okay to say I am not able to take strides for the time being. Every day I got to love friends and family and do something kind for someone; I took a step. I may not exactly have looked like everything I wanted to be doing at the time, but it helped me stay grounded for the wholeness I was awaiting. I’m not rushing anywhere. My time is my time.

I sincerely missed writing to you. I’m back, and my focus is on being as consistent as I can be.

Thank you for sticking with me. Until next time, steady yourself, choose to slow down. And don’t count it as a mark against yourself.