In defence of my happiness.
Have you ever been so scared of feeling fully? Such that happiness comes knocking at your door, and you let it in, but only for a moment. While you’re on the precipice of allowing it to sit, and feel at home, you usher it out. Because at that moment you’re more worried about how long it will stay for, about how misery is waiting to come in, once happiness decides to take its leave. This is how I’ve been living; always on the brink of, never really feeling joy, fully, anticipating its expiration.
Why feel it if it won’t last? Why have one good day if the others will be filled with deep-seated fatigue? Why take a moment to spend extra minutes on that phone call just to laugh, if the guilt of my joy will be the weight I carry in the end? Why feel attraction? Since it’s all a game now to love, to express vulnerability, to genuinely care. See, I have survived by overthinking a million and one scenarios just so that I can play my card before life plays hers. Because maybe if I could contemplate the possibility of being hurt, then I won’t be hurt. It’s like letting go of someone before telling them. Their process begins when you say something but all you feel is a sense of control because you already knew, you were not taken unawares. But now, my entire being is interrogating this way of living. I want to be here, doing life for as long as God will have me, but I wouldn’t be living if I kept running now, would I?
I recently went through my old journals and I found out a few things. I found that I’ve always enjoyed giving myself to the people I love, and my words, it’s how I keep afloat. It is at the core of this love that I find joy. Whether in music, literary art, people, places, or things, whatever I commit to loving brings me joy. I also found that I am an absolute romantic. I know that people tend to connect with a love that feels realistic, that grounds them without feeling like it’s too good to be true, and that’s understandable. I, however, believe in a fairy-tale kind of love, one that is seemingly unreal but very authentic in its essence.
I also found that I will never trade willpower for anything because ‘doing’ drives my life and gives me a sense of purpose. I will pursue kindness and gentleness until my last breath, continuously empathizing with others, because it is what I know and believe in. Therefore, I choose to let go of guilt in every form and allow myself to feel it. I release myself from the need to pretend, to perform any emotion for love and acceptance. I choose to receive accordingly what comes with each day. If it’s hard, I will respond with ease, and if it’s easy, I will bask in it. If love comes, I’ll feel and stretch in it unabashedly, and if it goes, I will let it. I will be at the forefront of every aspect of my life, choosing my battles as the Spirit in me leads. I will not stop now.
A friend said to me recently, “in choosing your own path, you will meet resistance, it will not be comfortable, but you will be grateful that you did.” So, I am committing to enjoying joy, permitting my excitement, and not being ashamed of ordinary things that cause a bloom inside me.
I pledge this to myself, my path, so help me God.
P.S: Shoutout to Joy Oladokun for the LP, In defence of my own happiness, for both its befitting name and the treasure that is the music in it.
