The Need for Self-Compassion

I had dealt with a creative block for a really long time and recently, I got tired. I hated myself for always losing motivation (when I managed to get it) and never finishing whatever I started. I had tried utter self-judgment and it wasn’t working and so I decided to go another route.

By now, many of us must have heard all the words with the ‘self-’ prefix, the good, the bad and the ugly of them all. There’s self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem, self-indulgence, self-pity, self-centered, or just plain selfish and then, self-compassion. Self-compassion is exactly what it is- compassion to oneself. Dr. Kristen Neff, the pioneering self-compassion teacher and author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (William Morrow, 2011) describes compassion as involving “a feeling of being moved by another person’s suffering so that your heart responds to their pain.” When we are considerate of another person and are able to connect with their pain or grief or frustration, we are able to offer encouragement and kindness to them. We are able to comfort them and tell them that they have another chance, that they need not be so hard on themselves. A lot of times, we do this, not because we know the future or can truly see past the present, but because we have faith in their abilities and somehow, that simple faith is all that it takes to get them to regroup and have them back on the chase. By doing this, we acknowledge that failure is a sign of humanness and an inevitable part of the human experience.

Self-compassion allows us to extend that same kind gesture to ourselves, such that when we do not meet our own expectations, we do not completely lose sight of how far we’ve come but are able to first, accept our experience as it is and then, clasp ourselves in tenderness and warmth until the thing that so heavily besets us eases away. Self-compassion would mean that we would treat ourselves the way we would treat a friend whenever they are feeling low.

We betray ourselves whenever we berate ourselves for under-performing or failing at a thing or for somehow being the targets of painful experiences which only emphasize the fact that we are imperfect and are inherently capable of making mistakes. When we scold ourselves for not being up to par, it does not produce the so much desired result that would have us achieving again in no time. Instead, we only hurt ourselves and overtime, withdrawal sets in and we have to pick up the pieces from scratch.

Approaching our (temporary) incapableness with kindness and mindfulness helps us to rectify our missteps and find a way forward out of love and care.

I know this because I have experienced it. I find myself trying out new things, saying yes, being spontaneous whenever I am kinder to myself about the things that didn’t turn out as expected. It is so freeing to know that if I take a little step back and break down the process every time I fail at something, I will have a higher chance at winning at said thing or just getting it done. The mind, our creative processes and various abilities thrive where there are no thorns of judgment.

It is important to note though, that self-compassion is not self-indulgence because, for the former to exist, we have to be constantly betting on ourselves and taking chances while the latter simply enables indolence, moral complacency and egotism.

My favorite quote from my favorite T.V. show says “We can all do way more than we think we can” and yes, I believe it so strongly but I also believe that on the days when we do not limit ourselves with our minds and take chances, it may not work out and our saving grace will then be how we take the fall. Do we get defensive and employ harsh criticism? Or do we recognize our flaws and then find ways to correct them? I hope that our answers will leave us on the path to living wholesomely and fully.

These words by Billy Chapata are so important, I have carried them with me since the day I learned them. I hope they come to mean something to you too.

“You beautifully create spaces for others to heal and release, but sometimes the same conversation you’re having with your friends, is the same conversation you should be having with yourself. Have you been a good friend to yourself lately?”

To enjoy this bumpy journey called life, we must learn to be gentle with ourselves and strive to be more mindful as the days go by. Only then can we truly unlock our potential and give ourselves a chance at happiness.